Religion vs. Relationship II

This October my wife and I will have been married for 4 years, but we have known each other for 9. Because we have spent so much time together there are times that I know exactly what she is thinking and vice versa. There is an unspoken language between us that motivates me to do things for her that I necessarily wouldn't do for anyone else, I know what makes her happy and sad and angry. When I choose to do the right thing for her, I don't pray about it or wait for a sign from her, I just do it because I love her. However, I don't always make great decisions. I have hurt her many times in our relationship, sometimes very deeply. Thankfully she has forgiven me for those things, and it has drawn me closer to her so when I choose to do the right thing for her out of love it's because I remember what she has done for me and it humbles my heart. In that humility, I am drawn closer to her and her to me. Therefore, how did I ever believe that my relationship with God could be any different. Not only has He forgiven me for countless more sins, but He loves me far more.

For the past few years I have been walking around with a religious chip on my shoulder, blaming others for the state of the church with malicious intent in my heart. Yet I never did a thing about it but complain and let my pride harden my heart further towards others and towards God. How did I get to that point? Could it have been that I practiced religion instead of pursuing a relationship?

Over the past few months I have had several conversations about being a Christian and a common response I get is a dislike or even disgust with religion. People refuse to hear the gospel not because they primarily hate God (they don't know Him, how could they?) but because of some experience they have had with religion, whether it be a church or individual. I had a girl tell me she didn't care about God because some people she was staying with had taken her before the church one day and rebuked her for specific sins in her life, she wasn't a christian. The part of the story that pierces me now is my reaction to it, "Not me, I would never do that." Man, the pride just rises up out of my heart. Although I hurt for that girl, I also hurt for that family who thought what they were doing was right. Religion can hurt not only those who are victims of it but also those who practice it. So, where am I going with this?

Religion says "Do these things and you will get to heaven", Jesus says "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."(John13:6) Jesus Christ is not a religion, He is the living Son of God, practice of certain deeds does not do any good if I have no relationship with Him. I am not completely against religious activities: i.e. church attendance, quiet times, bible studies, summer retreats. However, if I make these things ultimately important to who I am before God I feel I am an idolater, I hide my pride and selfishness behind "godly" activities which don't draw me closer to Him because I refuse to let go of my sin. Honestly, I love my pride too dearly to let it go. Because I know I can't fix this, what am I to do?

Religion vs. Relationship

When I was younger I grew up going to church on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, and like most of my peers it was more a social event than a spiritual time. It seems to me that most of my "spiritual" experiences were rededications to Christ at summer camp followed by a few days of repentance from sin that I had never even acknowledged I'd committed. As I look back, I wonder if I ever meant any of it or if what occurred within me was not brokenness for my sin but an emotional response to the solitude and religious nature of summer camp. Because it never led me to the joy I know exists in Christ I have to question the "repentance" I experienced and even if my relationship in Him at that time in my life was real. If I could define what I think was going on I would say it was religion, and that's the problem.

The idea behind the religion I practiced was one that says, "I'm okay, you're okay, let's figure out how to beat the problem." My posture before God at that time (and admittedly sometimes still is) was I only needed Him to get to heaven. Surely Jesus had died for my sins and rose 3 days later to conquer death, and through Him I had received a free ticket into heaven because I agreed with that notion. But I never had faith. How could I have? I didn't know Jesus Christ at all. Unlike my relationships with my friends I had never spent any time getting to know Him. For me, the belief in the idea of Christ's sacrifice was enough. Therefore, I spent many years in relative comfort fixing my own problems, forgiving my own sins.

To refute the idea that the church let me down or that my spiritual zombieism was the fault of someone else I want to be clear: I was/am the problem, no one else. In the end, I will stand before the LORD by myself and my deeds are my own. Recently, I have realized that the actions I do that I despise come not from a lack of knowledge or lack of love but from a lack of humility. Pride runs rampant through my heart. I will fix my problems, I will be a good man, I will lead others to Christ! I am the problem. My religion is my problem. Because I was "raised" in a church environment there are so many "christian terms" I can use to justify my wicked heart which leads me to wicked actions. I can brush off rebuke by "praying about it" or "admitting I'm a sinner", but I rarely fall on my face humbly before Christ begging for forgiveness and mercy. Religion has been suffocating my relationship with Him.

READ THIS NOW! REALLY IMPORTANT!

Dear Chain Mail Sender,
I know that you feel it is important for your ongoing financial success/life expectancy to send me every chain email that you receive, I would like to politely request/rudely tell you to stop sending them to me. While I am not apathetic by any means towards cute baby animals/racial intolerance I do not agree that things will be made better through html/continual annoyance. If I choose to tell someone about my love for our miliary/best friend, I'll do it face to face. I also have to disagree with your stance that blessings from God/good luck are equal to how many others I forward this email to. So what I'm trying to say is please stop sending me emails/texts about the latest conspiracy theory/religious revelation that you've seen/heard of, because I am not interested/don't care.

Thank you
Me

P.S. Tell 10 friends about this blog or you will die in the next 90 years.