Religion vs. Relationship

When I was younger I grew up going to church on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights, and like most of my peers it was more a social event than a spiritual time. It seems to me that most of my "spiritual" experiences were rededications to Christ at summer camp followed by a few days of repentance from sin that I had never even acknowledged I'd committed. As I look back, I wonder if I ever meant any of it or if what occurred within me was not brokenness for my sin but an emotional response to the solitude and religious nature of summer camp. Because it never led me to the joy I know exists in Christ I have to question the "repentance" I experienced and even if my relationship in Him at that time in my life was real. If I could define what I think was going on I would say it was religion, and that's the problem.

The idea behind the religion I practiced was one that says, "I'm okay, you're okay, let's figure out how to beat the problem." My posture before God at that time (and admittedly sometimes still is) was I only needed Him to get to heaven. Surely Jesus had died for my sins and rose 3 days later to conquer death, and through Him I had received a free ticket into heaven because I agreed with that notion. But I never had faith. How could I have? I didn't know Jesus Christ at all. Unlike my relationships with my friends I had never spent any time getting to know Him. For me, the belief in the idea of Christ's sacrifice was enough. Therefore, I spent many years in relative comfort fixing my own problems, forgiving my own sins.

To refute the idea that the church let me down or that my spiritual zombieism was the fault of someone else I want to be clear: I was/am the problem, no one else. In the end, I will stand before the LORD by myself and my deeds are my own. Recently, I have realized that the actions I do that I despise come not from a lack of knowledge or lack of love but from a lack of humility. Pride runs rampant through my heart. I will fix my problems, I will be a good man, I will lead others to Christ! I am the problem. My religion is my problem. Because I was "raised" in a church environment there are so many "christian terms" I can use to justify my wicked heart which leads me to wicked actions. I can brush off rebuke by "praying about it" or "admitting I'm a sinner", but I rarely fall on my face humbly before Christ begging for forgiveness and mercy. Religion has been suffocating my relationship with Him.